Renew me O' Lord

Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

The last few months have been a whirlwind of events for me. Lots of things going on, some good, some bad, others just kind of annoying. During this time I have been feeling really down on myself. I am not sure why but do have some belief that I know. I know I am not perfect and mess up, but sometimes I am just too lazy to apply myself the way I should. I, like everyone else, tend to find other things to do rather than studying scriptures and reading my Bible. I have a family, a ministry, a job and kids to help me stay occupied but even those are not very good excuses of why I shouldn't be in the word as much.

As a youth pastor I have to read up for my lessons. Figure out the scripture and go from there. Helping to apply it to the lives of my students. But usually that is a very small piece of scripture and I don't use it as a time for me to learn but to learn how to tell my students. I am in the process of working out of this.

I am also very frustrated with my youth group. As much as I try to direct my students, very few of them seem to listen. I have tried all kinds of tactics to get them to understand, but many of them seem to want to socialize rather than learn about God. We have issues with talking and disruptions during the singing and lessons. I hear of the actions of some of them outside of the youth group and my so-called leaders doing things they know and have sworn they wouldn't do. The boyfriend/girlfriend craze is really moving and hurting our group. Guys like the girls and vice versa. We have students who don't feel their life is complete without having someone to call boyfriend or girlfriend.

I was a teenager and did the same thing, so I can understand. But I also remember the heart ache and problems that this caused in my life. Liking someone only to find out they don't like you. To see people who you like, go from person to person only to be hurt each time. I look at the girls in my group and see the hurt they have from families and not truly having father figures to look up to. Some of them wanting soo much to have a boyfriend because "dad" wasn't/isn't around to help them through their life, so they are looking for love in all the wrong places. I look at some of the guys and see them liking girls and going back forth, only to know that it isn't because they truly like that girl, but more because that girl will look good on their arm and impress their friends.

Another issue seems to be the competition we have among the students.. The fighting and backbiting that goes on because we want to make ourselves feel better or put us above everyone else because we are worried about what people might think or being labeled a failure. I have some great kids and most of them can be almost anything they want to be, but right now they seem so self involved that they can't see beyond themselves. My heart hurts for them, for their parents, for myself because I am not sure how to handle the situation or "force" someone to see that they need to change.

So right now I am resting in God's grace that He is in charge. Too many times I lean on my own strengths and "so called" greatness. I also become selfish and believe that I can do anything on my own, only to be knocked down like I feel right now. I am in the process of really evaluating what we do as a youth group, what I do as a person and seeing what needs to be changed.

Pray for me.

And the Angels Rejoiced

¹⁰In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." Luke 15:10

There are moments as a youth pastor that you just don't forget. The first time you walk into a new youth group. The first event that you host. That ski retreat where you twist your ankle and spend 2 days sitting on the couch. And the time when some of your students realize they truly need God and give their life to Him. Last night was one such moment for me.

Let me introduce you to Alex. Alex started coming to my youth group a few months back. She is a nice girl, who is fun to get along with and seemed to enjoy our group. Over the next couple of weeks I got to know Alex and the things going on in her life. She was a typical teen with a typical life. About two months ago, I did a lesson about Joshua and his call to the Israelites to serve God and no one us. We ended the service by having those who wanted that choice to come forward and we would band together. Alex didn't come forward. I spoke to her later about it and she told me that she didn't think she was ready and did not want "lie" to God by going down there just because most of the group had. I told her that I was fully behind her and supported her in her decision and would be praying for her.

Long story short, Alex texted me last night and told me that she was ready to be saved and by the time I got a chance to call her, she had already done it. She told me that she just felt like that was what she needed to do and that she was ready to do it. I was excited beyond belief. She told me of her telling her mother, and friends about her new found salvation. I was amazed that she had already started telling people. I couldn't have been happier. These are the moments that we live for as youth pastors.

Events will come and go, but the salvation of our students is the sole-purpose behind what we do. I have told Alex that I am there to help her and will work with her as she begins her Christian journey and grows closer to God. Isn't God good...

Wow...

I can't believe it has been over a month since my father passed away. I still make the mistake of thinking that I can call him and ask him for advice... :(

Next week I will drive down and spend Thanksgiving with my family. This will be our first holiday without my father. I know it has been tough on my mom. I am constantly talking to her and actually sent Beth and Kaitlyn to Florida to help her start the cleanup process. I love my mom and hope for nothing but the best for her.

I miss my dad and know that I will see him again. He left a legacy behind in his 5 kids and 12+ grandkids that i never realized until after he passed away. I hope that when my time is up, good things will be said about me, like they were about him.

Well, I do want to welcome all the visitors to my blog. I know you are out there. People from all across the country are reading up on me and seeing how much life is going. Right now, God is good. My life is going pretty well and God gets all the credit. I am just a passenger on this plane. Since my fathers death, God has really been working in my life to show me exactly what I should be doing and what things I am doing wrong. Mostly I just need to sit down and focus on the tasks at hand and make my relationship with Him a greater priority in my life.

RIP Roy Elmer Probus Sr.

Regretfully, I write this blog the day after I buried my father. On Friday the 13th, we got the call that he had a stroke and that he was in the ICU ward. Beth and I were on our way to a camping trip with our students when we got the call. We rush to get them back to a students house and we bolted to Florida. We made it to my parents house in 16 hours and got straight to the hospital. It was hard walking into his hospital room. His eyes were closed, he had tubes going into him, he hands had mittens on them to keep him from grabbing the wire, and he was flinching. I cried. Actually, I balled. It was one of those moments where you hear other people describe it but you never think it will happen to you.

Well, it did. As the day progressed, he slipped farther and farther into a coma. By 10pm or so, he was pretty much gone, we just didn't know it. At 11:30, Beth and I left the hospital and figured we would go home and sleep. About an hour later, we got a call saying that he had less than 24 hours to live. So Beth and I, on 3 hours sleep, headed back to the hospital. He wasn't moving, not even a reflex. The whole family busted out into tears. My mother, my two older sisters, my two younger brothers and my adopted sister, all had our breakdowns.

At about 2:30am, we met to discuss whether we wanted to remove the oxygen that was keeping him alive. The Dr's told us that there was no recovery but they couldn't give us a time frame either. His brain was swelling and his body would eventually collapse. After much debate we decided to make the decision in the morning, but it was leaning more toward yes. Around 6:30am, we told the nurse and doctor that we wanted the ventilator removed and wanted him to fight on his own.

I never thought I would have to make that decision. I have heard others talk about it and tell me about the experience, but it was something I never thought I would do. Once off the ventilator, he was breathing on his own. His breathes were short and deep but we was doing it. He still wasn't moving. At around 10am, a nurse came in and told us the end was near. She had been monitoring his oxygen levels and they were getting dangerously low. I was thankful. I didn't want this to be long and drawn out. My mother and sisters were freaking out already, so to wait longer would make it unbearable.

We were all gathered there. All except my sister who thought she would have time to take her car home and came back. We watched the screen, we watched his vitals, we cried, we knew it was almost over. As his oxygen levels drops from 90 to 30 in 30 minutes, he was slipping faster and faster. At 11:35, everything stopped. The end had come. What I never thought would happen, happened. We had lost my father. My family was devastated. My mother and oldest sister were hysterical. My brothers left the room. I stood there, amazed.

Amazed because the man I had know for 32 years was gone. A man who taught me more than anyone else was gone. My father, and friend, had left me. My father left a wife, 5 kids, 1 adopted daughter and 15 grandchildren. I never realized how much my father was until I walked into that hospital and watched as the visitors came and went. People from work, church and the neighborhood came to check on him.

To be continued...

You never realize

that you will miss something until it almost leaves you. Right now I am sitting in a hospital room with my father (who doesn't know that I am here). You see, yesterday he had a major stroke and is in a medical coma. Basically, they have made it where he won't move because he doesn't like having tubes or anything in him.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can't do anything for him. The entire 16 hour drive I struggled not to get emotional. I spent my time thinking about him and trying to figure out what I could do to help. It wasn't until I talked to my mom that I lost it. She told me that he would never work again... I was floored, the seriousness of the situation truly hit me. My father will never be the same person he was the last time I saw him (which sad to say was almost a year ago).

So, anyways. He is getting ready to be carted off to have an MRI done to find out exactly what happened. They believe he has a blood clot but will need to make sure. Please pray for my father and mother. Their life is changing rapidly.

I know God is in control and that nothing happens without Him knowing it. I know God can heal my father completely, or He can choose not. However He works in my fathers life, I know that His will will be done and He will be glorified.